I have been really gratified at the numbers of people who are engaging in this season of prayer and fasting. Many have taken the challege to turn off the tv and other forms of media, and to consider how much entertainment do we really need in our lives - the world has made hours of entertainment a day a prime value and the church - including me - too often accepts that value without question. A few weeks of limited or no tv has helped alot of us to reconsider what we will allow to control our lives - it’s been a good experience.
Another good experience has been praying daily with Harriet. Yes, this is a confession that we had not made that a daily habit. This is one of those deals that we agree is important and think every Christian couple should pray together daily but we ourselves had not been following our own advice. Anyway, during this 21 days we’ve prayed together daily and have come to really value that time. Our sons are making decisions and facing some issues that require God’s help and guidance, and our practice of praying together for them has been a way to see God work in direct answer to our prayers, and thus strengthening our faith. Furthermore it has drawn us closer together, praying for one another. This is one practice from these 21 days that I hope we can continue as a habit.
In this final week I have modified my fast to include soup. That has helped to cut down on how cold I’ve been feeling, but introducing soup has flipped the switch in my stomach - it had been dormant for many days and thus no hunger pangs. Now a little soup leaves whining and it demanding more.
One of my personal prayer requests during this time of prayer and fasting is for a greater awareness of Jesus’ presence in my life. I want to cultivate an on-going awareness of Him in my life, moment by moment, of being Christ’s ambassador and servant AND a son of the King of the universe thru out the day, available…listening…on duty. A couple years back God spoke to me about this. I was in a season of lots of ministry activity and stuff happening at the church and spinning a lot of plates, very focused on leadership and ministry activity – my prayer times and time in the word weren’t focused on developing a relationship with God as much as trying to receive what “I” needed to accomplish MY mission – God impressed on me one day “Bob, when you come to heaven I’m not bringing you to a training seminar – I’m bringing you to a marriage feast….you’re not my employee, you’re my son”, and the unspoken point being “I just want to spend time with you cause I love you”. And that’s one of the things I’m experiencing during these prayer times - God seems to be reminding me of words He has given me in the past. Me hope is that He intends to bring some of those “words” and plans I think He spoke years earlier into reality. I sense God stirring our church now so maybe this is the season for Him to move.
Day 9-11 – The cold feels far sharper when fasting – thank God for UnderArmor! (actually a cheaper imitation Under Arrmor but still very warm). One thing I don’t like about these days is I feel my mind is duller than its normal level of dullness. It takes me longer to process what people say and my responses are slower. Also feeling lighhtheaded last few mornings.
At the Wednesday morning pastors meeting two people shared points that resonate with me and I have been pondering. First was that a thirst for God is an acquired taste. The Bible speaks often about saints hungering and thirsting for God’s Presence (eg Psalm 27:4, 42:1, 63:1). But I don’t think that comes natural to any of us; our fallen old natures want to avoid God and, in conspiracy with the world and the devil, will resist our efforts to get close to God. However a thirst for God creates within us the determination to get close to Him. Therefore I want to be “thirsty” for God, but the truth is most of the time my mind is satisfied and occupied with the routine flow of events in a day- there are moments of thirst for Him but not in any sustained way. Someone in the meeting shared how thirst for God is an acquired taste – it must be developed. He used the example that I could relate to – as a 16 year old I didn’t have a taste for beer (remember those were my pre-Christian days!); beer tasted terrible. But, because I wanted to be with friends at the parties, I’d drink too, I’d make the effort and push forward and gradually I began to like the taste; I acquired a taste for beer. Maybe a crass example but it helped me to understand how a thirst for God is an acquired taste. Initially I have to push myself and push through the resistance and lack of desire and not let my feelings make decisions for me, and seek God in prayer and silence and meditating on scripture. And in consistently coming to Him in that manner I will cultivate a thirst, acquire the thirst the psalms speak of. That word rang true for me and was encouraging.
Secondly, someone shared how the Holy Spirit had impressed to him that is was his responsibility to make the time for prayer and intercession in his daily life. To pray “God please remove the distractions and conflicts from my schedule so I can have time for You” is to shirk his/our responsibility. To the degree in which I intentionally, with effort and resolve, schedule and protect my prayer time, to that degree I’m showing God how serious I am about knowing Him and walking with Him. While I can ask God to help me, in the end it isn’t His responsibility to keep my appontments. Prioritizing my time with Him demonstrates to Him how serious I am about knowing Him. That word was also on target for and convicting – so much of this time of fasting for me has been about how much do I value my relationship with God.
Days 6-8
Couldn’t sleep at all Sunday Night– finally crawled out of bed around 2 am, wondering if God was rousing me for prayer. Read and prayed until 4 am or so, experiencing nothing out of the ordinary. This morning read the label on the juice supplement I had drank before going to bed. I thought it was fortified with vitamins; however it turns out to be enriched with big doses of caffeine – dumb, dumb, dumb.
And to be honest – I’m tired of drinking juice.
These last two days I’m dusting off books that stirred my soul 10-15 years ago, books that made me long for more of God in my life and for more of His Spirit power manifested in it. There is forming for me a daily pattern that I think God is orchestrating – that of rooting out and exposing all the ego and selfishness that lurks in my heart (something we pastors can become very skillful at hiding, cause nobody wants a proud, selfish pastor), and an increasing yearning for more of God’s presence and power to manifest through me, to get out of the way and let Him have His way.
Saturday night at the corporate meeting in downtown Peoria, people brought in bags of stuff out of their homes – music, dvds, books, etc - stuff that was a hindrance between them and God, stuff that fed ego or lust or endorsed godless values, all stuff that God impressed specifically to each individual “I want that out of your life”. People brought in bags of stuff and laid it down at the church’s altar to be thrown into dumpsters. One pastor there shared how he brought in many theology books, books that had been on his shelves for years but were written by theologians who, while profound, rejected the historical accounts of Jesus and rejected biblical truth. He said something to the effect that “God exposed to me the reason I had these books was I wanted people to see them on my shelf to impress them that I knew the works of Paul Tillich and others. But God showed me this was about my ego and asked what if someone sees these in your office and as a result begins to read them, and be led away from Christ”? That kind of honesty and responsiveness to God is right where I want to be too.
Days 4 & 5
So far no caffeine headaches, though both days I’ve felt far more hunger and discomfort. In the past when I’ve fasted, days 3-5 have seemed the most difficult. It’s not only difficult physically but spiritually feeling distracted and unmotivated. I continue to drink juices and some bullion.
I know the evil one will do all he can to derail and oppose any attempts you and I make to draw near to God, to deal with sins and habits in our lives, to surrender more completely to Christ’s control. Thus his first attack seems to be that of leveraging busyness to keep me from prayer and hearing God. At the same time my old nature seems to be making truck loads of excuses for not praying, even when there is time.
The one area that God has me focused on is how pervasive pride is in my life. The desire to impress, the desire to be liked, all the ego that tends to get mixed into my reasons for doing what I do – I don’t see how deeply it runs in me until times of fasting and lingering prayer before God. I’m meditating on Philippians 1:21, 2:3, and Matthew 16:24. While I intend this 21 days to engage in a lot of intercession for the church and ministry in this region, I think God is having me first deal with the junk in my own life – which makes sense because revival has first got to start in our own hearts before spreading out.
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